As a prompt for self-improvement, I’m sharing ten basic rules for better conversations as highlighted by Celeste Headlee, American radio journalist, author, and public speaker, in her Ted Talk. 

#1. Don’t Multitask. This point is not just about setting down your cell phone, tablet, car keys, or whatever is in your hand. Be present. Be in that moment. Don’t think about the argument you had with your boss. Don’t think about what you’re going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of it, but don’t be half in it and half out of it.

#2. Don’t Pontificate. Write a blog if you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response, argument, pushback, or growth. You must enter every conversation assuming you have something to learn—the famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that authentic listening requires a setting aside of oneself. Sometimes, that means setting aside your personal opinion. He said that by sensing this acceptance, the speaker would become less vulnerable and more likely to open up the inner recesses of their mind to the listener. Again, assume that you have something to learn.

#3. Use Open-Ended Questions. Take a cue from journalists. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how. You will get a simple answer if you put in a complicated question. If I ask you, “Were you terrified?” you’re going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is “terrified,” and the answer is “Yes, I was” or “No, I wasn’t.” “Were you angry?” “Yes, I was furious.” Let them describe it. They’re the ones that know. Try asking them things like, “What was that like?” “How did that feel?” Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you’re going to get a much more interesting response.

#4. Go with The Flow. That means thoughts will come into your mind, and you need to let them go out of your mind. We’ve often heard interviews where a guest is talking for several minutes, and then the host comes back in and asks a question that seems like it comes out of nowhere or has already been answered. That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought of this clever question and was just bound and determined to say that. And we do the same thing. We’re sitting there talking with someone, and then we remember when we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop. Stories and ideas will come to you, and it would help if you let them come and let them go.

#5. If you don’t know, say that you don’t know. Now, people on the radio are much more aware that they’re going on the record, so they’re more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they know for sure. Do that. Err on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.

#6. Don’t equate your experience with theirs. If they’re talking about losing a family member, don’t start talking about the time you lost a family member. If they’re talking about the trouble they’re having at work, don’t tell them how much you hate your job. It’s not the same, and it is never the same. All experiences are individual. And more importantly, it is not about you. You don’t need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you’ve suffered. Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said, “I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers.” Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.

#7. Try not to repeat yourself. It’s condescending and boring, and we tend to do it a lot. Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so we keep rephrasing it over and over. Don’t do that. 

#8. Stay out of the weeds. Frankly, people don’t care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you’re struggling to come up with in your mind. What they care about is you and what you’re like, and the things you have in common. So forget the details, and leave them out.

#9. Listen. This point is not the last one, but it is the most important one. Listen. I cannot tell you how many people have said that listening is perhaps the most essential skill you could develop. Buddha said, and I’m paraphrasing, “If your mouth is open, you’re not learning.” And Calvin Coolidge said, “No man ever listened his way out of a job.” 

Why don’t we listen to each other? – because we’d rather talk. When I’m talking, I’m in control. I don’t have to hear anything I’m not interested in, and I’m the centre of attention. I can bolster my own identity. But there’s another reason: We get distracted. The average person talks at about 225 words per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute. So our minds are filling in those other 275 words. And look, I know it takes effort and energy to pay attention to someone, but if you can’t do that, you’re not in a conversation. You’re just two people shouting barely related sentences in the same place. You have to listen to one another. Stephen Covey said it very beautifully. He said, “Most of us don’t listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply.

# 10. Be Brief A good conversation is like a miniskirt, short enough to retain interest but long enough to cover the subject. All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one: Be interested in other people. Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.