We are “hard-wired for connection”. As we practice connection, language is important. It’s a bridge between ourselves and other people – it allows us to express how we’re feeling and, crucially, seek help, support and understanding when we need it.

How we are feeling is tied up with our emotions, but most of us are just like the person with a painful shoulder when it comes to emotions. We just don’t have the words to describe what’s happening in us to others or even understand it for ourselves.

Social scientist and author Brene Brown has been studying the Science of Compassion. She has discovered the more she learns, the more she understands that our emotions are the source of our power and our strength. And the more compassion we feel for ourselves, the greater our capacity to feel compassion for others too.

In her latest book “Atlas of the Heart”, Brene describes how she and a team of researchers asked 7000 people to identify all the emotions they experienced and guess what? The average number of emotions people listed were, wait for it- 3: sad, angry, and happy that’s it: mad, sad, glad. All of the emotions in the world, all the nuances of human experience, most people could only describe them in three categories., which seems pretty scary, right?

I would say I’m virtually clueless when it comes to understanding and expressing my emotions. I can identify a few of them, but I definitely have a lot to learn. For example, here are a few emotions I’ve experienced recently in a typical week: I feel happy when I’m singing with my choir members. I feel sad when hearing of the loss of life on the news from the war in Ukraine; I feel fear when I’m walking in an unfamiliar neighbourhood late at night; I feel mad when my mobile phone freezes for no apparent reason and won’t work.

Although I am aware of the above emotions, there is a problem since my level of awareness and descriptive language is just like the painful shoulder example above: it’s as if I could only tell the doctor that I have a pain somewhere in the upper half of my body. And I could only describe that pain as bad. Instead of saying that it’s throbbing, or aching or shooting pain.

When experiencing moods or challenging life circumstances, unless we find the right words to acknowledge or express our emotional state, we tend to withdraw and avoid dealing with the emotional pain. However, this avoidance can lead to isolation and feelings of powerlessness as we cannot process and understand the emotions we are experiencing. It’s even more difficult to build that bridge of connection to the people who really care and want to support us through what we are going through.

The ability to have the awareness of, and the precise language to describe your emotions is what researchers call “emotional granularity.” This granularity can enrich your life in many ways. Having the right words allows you to identify your feelings and figure out where they come from. So, next time you’re feeling down about something, try to find the courage to seek first to understand what’s happening in your emotions and as you grapple your feelings, remember that you’re not alone.

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